To the cockroach that trespassed in my apartment a few nights ago:

GET THE F OUT
You're not welcome here

Do you know how much anxiety you caused me?
Talk about PURE FEAR

My apartment is clean
It even smells like faint orange blossom

Any crumbs/ dirt/ scum that you like?
Nope–we don't got 'em

I don't care if you're looking to get out of the cold
If you're trying to find your friends
If you're hungry for mold

Don't ever think about coming back
I've got a SWAT team ready–and YES, it will attack

Oh Mr. Cockroach, all I ask is WHY?
Why are you so terrifying, ugly, and sly??

My advice: get a life
I hear this time of year, Rikers Island is nice

So gather your posse, pack your bags, and flee NYC
PLEASE just never ever EVER again bother ME!